10 things to remember during the (domestic) adoption wait.

Eternal hell. That’s where I thought I was when we were waiting for a match before J came along. According to Adoptive Families, it’s estimated that at any one time one million families are actively seeking adoption, whether they’re wading through all that initial paperwork, worrying over travel arrangements or sitting nervously next to the phone, waiting for a call…any call.

If you’re considering adoption for the first time, I have a little unsolicited advice for you from someone who’s been through that hell not so long ago.

1. Read about adoption now because when that baby comes, you won’t have much time for heavy reading for quite some time. And you WILL need to read. Check out blogs, books and magazines and try to absorb some information during those hours you’d rather be pestering your agency or checking your website stat counters for information on how many times your profile has been seen.
2. You don’t need to have all the latest and greatest baby products right NOW. If might be a while before your baby comes home, and the products in the baby aisle of your favorite store are constantly being upgraded and refreshed. One of my friends who has a three-year-old was amazed when she helped me register at all the great, new products available for babies and their moms–did you catch how old her child was? 3.
3. Speaking of baby products, you might want to hold off on that shower that your friends and family want to throw you. They’re happy that you’re taking this new step and you’re needing a diversion, but see number 2. Waiting until the child is home is probably the best time you can have a shower, and it’s actually good timing since plans can go awry and potential placements don’t always come through.
4. Please, read the blogs of mothers who have placed their children. There are several good ones, and they’re all worth reading. Some people in the community hate adoptive parents and make that clear, but you need to hear their perspectives to really understand the extra complexity of the type of family you’re choosing.
5. Consider the ethical implications of the choices you make during this time. Should you advertise? How should you speak to expectant mothers who contact you while exploring adoption?
6. Remember: The only clear way to earn respect from your adult child is to treat his or her birth family with respect. Consider how you might do this before you meet them.
7. Journal. Writing does a few things: it gives you an outlet for the overwhelming emotions that can run rampant during The Wait; it creates an important document that you and your family will look back at in wonder in a few months, years and decades; and if you choose to blog, it will give you friends you didn’t have before The Wait–friends who get you.
8. If a call does come in and you are given information about a child, absorb it all and write it down. Collect any information you can get. If this child comes home with you and you aren’t part of an open adoption, that information you do have will be treasured like little nuggets of gold.
9. Be prepared for travel–who has the best rates to the regions you might travel? Those adoption fares we all hear about are few and far between, but good deals are still available. In fact, we flew home the same day we bought a ticket–first class (believe me, with a baby that was THE WAY to go)–for only $189 each. If needed, and with ICPC being somewhat unpredictable this is important, the ticket date could be changed without a fee. The airline we chose caters to the vacation travel business and flies to limited airports, but they went where we needed to go and they did it well.
10. Finally, be prepared for the unexpected. For us, just being chosen was unexpected, but then there were delays with our FBI fingerprint cards that we didn’t know we needed to have done but had to have if we were going to ever bring J home. There were unexpected encounters with J’s foster mom. Then, there were the nice unexpecteds. People are nicer to people carrying a baby carrier through an airport. Free upgrades on rental cars can happen. Children bring out smiles that you’d never see if they weren’t around.

Those good things can happen, but you might have to wait longer for them than you want. Although it’s little consolation to you now, once I picked up J for the first time the pain of the wait was almost completely forgotten. If I want to try hard, I can remember it, but there’s so much good happening now, there’s no reason to try.