Are you supposed to be upset? Angry? Raging about the incident?
I don’t know–all I know is that J has been bitten, and more than anything I’m fighting feelings of uncertainty. Let me explain: there’s no mark and J doesn’t seem to worried about it himself, but now I find myself thinking more and more about things I’ve seen at daycare and attaching dark meaning to them despite the probability that I’m probably witnessing normal toddler behavior.
I’ve found J playing alone on the playground.
Bigger boys telling J he couldn’t play with them.
I’ve seen J be too close to another boy as he was sitting down; the other boy threw a screaming fit and flailed his arms to get J away from him.
And now, the biting.
I’m sure there are great reasons, and I talk to him about them even though he can’t talk back to me about such concepts. I told him that the bigger boys telling him to get off the play equipment was all about the rules and how they were big kids, and they were just making sure he followed the rules and didn’t play on the equipment that was too big for him. I told him the classmate who yelled at him while he was sitting had a bigger personal bubble than him. And we talked about the bite–that the boy who bit him was just acting out his frustration because he didn’t know how else to deal with it.
And I hope that’s it. But the mom in me worries–he’s the second-youngest kidlet there, and he’s not a big talker. I hope he’s not being picked on. I hope he’s being accepted.
And although all my experience as an adult makes me want to believe what I’ve been told by the teachers in other buildings–that kids don’t break into racially divided groups until about fifth or sixth grade, I worry a little that race does play a part in how he’s treated.
And I’m probably crazy. But this is my first time being a mom, and even though I’m doing my best, I don’t always know what to do or what to think. Adding race issues I’m not used to having think about makes it a little extra complicated. Or maybe I’m just complicating it all.
What do you think? Am I nuts to worry about this already?
Michelle says:
You’re not crazy–you’ve got mom instincts. Bitten once, it’s an unfortunate accident. More than that, it’s time to raise concern. Hopefully he’ll find a few little buddies soon. Although MAM often plays alone in a group (everyone needs their down time). I hope you get to see some of the good that is happening everyday soon! Adjusting to a new place takes time (for mom and child!).
September 24th, 2008 at 11:15 am
starfish says:
I can see why you would worry about acceptance - that is also a big thing for me. But I do think that J is at a tough age - old enough to be a “person” but too young to really express himself and for older kids to relate to - you know what I mean? I think you did all you could do - supporting him when things happen beyond your control. SIGH I think it only gets harder from here!
and the playing by himself thing is definitely 2 year old behavior - they don’t start playing together until like 3 or so.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Sheryl says:
I live in Argentina, so I can´t really comment on the whole race issue, however, I do teach three year olds, and notice that at that age for one, biting happens, every year we have one or two biters, the other thing is that such small kids also tend to play alongside eachother but not with eachother much, unless guided by an adult.
All this said, I am also a mother and suffer whenever something like this happens to them. In fact my kids tend to get picked on ´cause they are the only blondes with blue eyes in school! Everybody else has dark hair and eyes, so it isn´t always race, it is just being different!
September 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Barbara says:
Hi! I’ve been there — abut 5 years ago and insanely I’m headed to that stage again with a new baby. When my daughter was the bitee I focussed on the center’s response to the biting. It should be swift and to the point. This is a common occurance and they should have an established policy in place that all of the staff members know. The bitee should be the focus of all staff attention after the biter is calmly removed from the situation. If its a one time incident its over. If its repeated then the staff needs to be aware of what the biter is doing at all times so that stress situations are addressed before the biter melts down. As for the race. My girl did not have issues when she was the only dark skinned kid in preschool. The kids don’t know predjudice yet. There was one kid that I know the dad had a hard time with her being there (I saw him herd his kid away from her quite a few times) but the mom was not bad and I don’t think anything was said at home. It would have been repeated at school and gotten back to me as she was with the same bunch until she was 5. If you get a chance, observe the parents behavior when the pick up their kids. That should help you see if there are homes that are setting up their kids to be hostile.
September 30th, 2008 at 9:25 am
sherline says:
i am concern about my child…and truly when i read your story it gets me frustated because i have an one year old boy. i don’t want any difficult time for my child in the future so all i could say to you is that try to talk to the teacher about this offensive situation. AND MAKE SURE it doesn’t happen anymore. Good luck!
October 9th, 2008 at 1:45 pm