Elsewhere in the adopt-blog community, considerable time and worry is spent on adoptee grief. I don’t doubt that it exists and I, probably like most adoptive parents, am concerned that at some point J will be deeply affected by it.
That being said, I think we have to look critically at the assumption that most adoptees are deeply affected by adoption-related pain. I think we’ve all been scared by the writings–in books and blogs–of adoptees who are undoubtedly deeply pained by the loss of their first parents. I don’t want to minimize their pain or experiences–I believe that their losses are very deep and painful.
On the other hand, even though I’ve looked, I’ve found mostly only anecdotal accounts of this grief. I think that it’s assumed by many that this pain is so pervasive because those who experience it talk about it…but we have to remember that those who don’t, don’t. The little bit of the research that I’ve been able to find says that most adopted teens are pretty well adjusted about it–and the percentage who aren’t closely correlates with the number of teens in the general population who are, well, a bit angst-ridden.
It’s kind of like blogging. For the most part, percentage-wise, just a few people comment when they’re cool with what you write. If you go to the really controversial blogs, though–and this is not really one of them, but I think you’ll know of a few spots like the ones I’m talking about–you’ll find that the real fireworks begin when readers get angry or upset with what the writer has posted.
Or, it’s like at school. I don’t hear from most of the parents, but that’s because they’re mostly OK with what I’m doing. The ones I do hear from are the ones who are having issues with their kids or with me. That’s normal though–we don’t tend to talk about things when they’re going well or just ok. When things are going wrong or we’re upset, we talk. And talk, and talk and talk some more.
You know, we’ve got enough to worry about as parents–is J meeting his milestones? Does he have food allergies? When should we start pre-school? How about kindergarten? Where will he go to college?
I think we need to worry about all of the above much more than we need to worry about adoption pain. I’m letting T take the lead on the adoption talks–he’s the one with all the experience. Yes, J will definitely always know that he is adopted, but we’re hoping to let him know it’s just another way to make a family. Besides giving him the information and helping him practice how to handle difficult questions, that’s all we can do–and I’m not going to spend a lot of time worrying about how to lessen his pain.
Lisa V says:
Mallory has experienced her share of adoptee grief and worked through it pretty well for a 15 year old. I think it will ebb and flow through life like any other kind of pain. My guess is that if she is ever pregnant or has children, it may bubble up. It may come up more as she gets to relate to her birth mom as adult, instead of as a child. She has fair amount of grief about not having a relationship with her birth father- I think the unknown is harder for her.
But I agree with you that we all have issues that cause us pain and growth- divorce, depression, etc. Adoption is most likely Mallory’s.
February 11th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
dawn says:
Madison has displayed more adoption awareness than I thought she would this young and some grief, that I also didn’t expect this young. When she was an infant, thinking about adoption grief really scared and upset me but now I feel like it’s just part of parenting Madison.
February 11th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
abebech says:
I don’t think that not talking about it means not thinking about it/feeling it, but I do think you’re right that we often write when we are most emotional, so what we read is likely skewed.
Still, I won’t discount adoption-related pain, which is not a singular, monolithic thing. There will be times when the hardest thing for my daughter will be the loss of her first family. There will be times when the hardest thing will be knowing that she did not come from my womb (and wishing she had). There will be times when being a little black girl with white parents will be most painful, when she’ll be upset and angry at the daily reminder that she is, that we are different. There will be times when, like other people of diaspora, she’ll long for a home she hasn’t ever known or can’t remember.
I don’t go in for the generalities of the primal wound, but I do know that while I don’t need to worry, I need to be as prepared as I can be for my daughter’s full range of emotions.
February 11th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Ruth says:
Thanks for raising this here. It’s one of the issues that we have been grappling with as we consider adoption.
February 12th, 2007 at 1:47 am
Starfish says:
I agree with everything you’ve said here. Adoption grief is something I just don’t worry about, because every child is different and I have no way of anticipating how it may affect our boy. Also, all adoption circumstances are not the same - some kids never really had a “first family” at all let alone one worth grieving for.
All I can do is give him all the love and support we can, and hopefully he will see that this is where he was always meant to be..with us.
February 12th, 2007 at 8:56 am
petunia says:
I am an adoptee and I was SHOCKED at the blogs out there about adoption. I know a lot of other adoptees and no one has has had all these issues. I’m sure they are real but like you stated, they have a reason to blog. Reading all of them could make someone think all adoptees are messed up. If you read my February 1st entry on my blog you will see what I wrote about this subject. It is estimated that there are 3.5 - 8.5 million adult adooptees and there are only maybe 100 bad blogs. So there are many many more adoptees out there that don’t see the need to blog. I only got into blogging because I wanted to log all my feelings about adopting our daughter….i’m still amazed at the bad experiences written about on blogs, it makes me sad to think people have had such a bad time of it.
February 12th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Brian (dad to 3) says:
Yep, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the reason that I get
February 12th, 2007 at 11:43 am
abebech says:
Starfish writes above: “all adoption circumstances are not the same - some kids never really had a “first family” at all let alone one worth grieving for.”
Everyone has a first family, even if it isn’t healthy or intact. Every adopted child has a history that preceeds her adoption. I think I see what you mean, but that last part, “let alone one worth grieving for,” is worth grieving in its own right. Children who’ve come from horrible preplacement situations, from abuse and neglect, could tell us this, that they might grieve the parent they “lost” even when it wasn’t a good parent, and that they grieve the ideal parent they never had but dreamed.
February 13th, 2007 at 1:52 pm