Weeeelll…so, I, um, checked in with the agency via email today. I tried the pushy route, which I’m not terribly good at since I know pushy is terribly unflattering on me, but I did ask for the specifics–how many times and when the portfolio has been shown.
SW kindly told me he would have no idea since the agencies he works with don’t tell him everytime they take out my portfolio. Instead, they just call once in a while to see if we’re still sitting at that table over in the corner, watching everyone else dance…you know, unmatched. As I said, being pushy never quite works out for me, much like casual small talk and catty plotting.
After a quick exchange, I found out that if we loosened our cap slightly, and I mean slightly, we’d be in range for 3 more agencies so our portfolio could be shown to more prospective birthmothers. We loosened, so more portfolios are in the mail today. I also told him T was easing up on openness so that we could go ahead with having a relationship of some kind for all of the kidlet’s first 18 years, not just the first five, as T had proposed.
I know, I know. Don’t flame me…I don’t think I told anyone that in the first place. It was my secret shame, something I agreed to only because it was SO important to T, who feels like as an adoptee he knows what would be best. Personally, I don’t see what the harm in it is, but you know, there’s give and take in a good relationship, and this was an issue where I gave a little. Now I’m taking it back, although secretly I was hoping to keep communication open much longer after I proved to T that the birthparents were just normal people who had sacraficed a lot for our kidlet and that the communication was the least we could do.
Other news: three couples are currently in our pool, with fourth being added in about two weeks. Two couples from the program were blessed with placements this month. Current wait time: 6-9 months. Hmm.
Well, we’ll see. Back to waiting and shopping every weekend. Let’s hope I don’t spend too much money.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Kim // Jun 29, 2006 at 12:50 pm
I don’t think there’s anything shameful in it at all. It’s so important in open adoption for ALL members of the triad to feel comfortable with the level of openess. Remember, you can always open an adoption over time, but if you begin with a very open adoption, it’s a lot harder to close it. I think that’s much more wrong than being honest and up front about T’s level of comfort right from the beginning.
2 M. (An Elephant's Gestation) // Jun 29, 2006 at 12:54 pm
I hope this helps! My fingers are crossed for you!
3 sster // Jun 30, 2006 at 5:44 am
I agree with Kim. While openness is the best way for us to go, and I tend to think for most other people, it’s up to the individual family and first parent to determine what is best in each situation. I admire T for being honest about what he can handle, and you for respecting that.
4 Sylvie // Jun 30, 2006 at 8:03 am
I agree. The degree of openess should be something that everyone involved is understands clearly and have agreed upon. My husband was totally against even meeting birthparents when we started the process, but as the process moved forward we opened up more and more, and we were both so glad that we met our son’s birthparents.
5 Karen M // Jun 30, 2006 at 11:26 am
What they said. If T’s not ready, don’t push him - it’ll just make things so much harder than they have to be.
*hugs*
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