First, let me say that not only did the roofers appear quickly, but they also finished quickly and had done all the necessary work, cleaned up, grabbed the check and headed by 10:30 this morning. Apparently, they were waiting on some special order shingles for someone else, so we were just filler for them.
I feel so used.
Speaking of feeling used, I’ve been on the prowl, looking for and lurking through some pretty seedy message boards for adoptive folk. They are so sad, you know? Most of the women and girls thinking about placing their babies are vehemently accused of being scammers in the same threads they are being courted by gaggles of women who seem to have lost all self respect.
There’s a ton of “God Bless You”-ing and talk of dreams and angel babies, and there are a lot of women who seem to applying the same techniques they learned in online dating to snaring a potential birthmother.
“We’re an active, young couple who love country living, travel, holding hands and long walks on the beach.”
Translation: We’re in our mid-thirties and spend our evenings trying to fend off the wildlife that keeps eating our trees and jumping out at our cars. We used to enjoy spending time with each other…until the years of mandatory but useless baby sex. Now we do our best to book a double when we have that weekend every February during the waterpark’s winter getaway special–the only hotel stay we can afford now that we’re trying to adopt. Please, just give us a kid. We’re getting tired of trying to smile too hard.
Mind you, none of this is really me and T. Actually, we don’t bother fending off the wildlife, as they lived here first and are much smarter than us. We also don’t bother trying to stay in hotels or going on weekend getaways–they’re always disasters, so we avoid them. And…we like to snuggle, so even when we do have the odd stay in a hotel, we sleep in the same bed, even if there are two. On cue, now, everyone…
“Awwww…”
Back to the topic: some of the message boards I’ve waded through are so unseemly. How can a poor girl or woman stomach going to the board, casting her hook and then dealing with the results when she’s read through the other posts and seen all the potential adoptive mothers pretend to be another girl’s best friend while accusing other women of being scammers, liars and cheats or worse, trying to reel in a baby with half-truths and sickening artifice.
And, why doesn’t someone stop this–shouldn’t the people who run the boards clean things up, just a little–even if it’s just closing up months-old threads in which potential adoptive parents keep posting their phone numbers, links and and email addresses, months after the babies are even born?
It’s just so sad to see how desperate people can become–I understand now how we’ve gotten to the point where unethical agencies, lawyers and facilitators look at babies with dollar signs in their eyes. People have allowed this to happen because as a society we have such a lack of self-control and…grace.
I can only hope that as the months tick by I won’t break down and become so desperate.
Tell me: What have you seen in the adoption world that makes your stomach churn?
5 responses so far ↓
1 Lolo // Jun 28, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Julie,
You know what, every thing about the adoption world makes my stomach churn. Because my stomach churns when it’s disgusted, when the emotion is intense, when it is sad and so on. The adoption world has all the emotion you can imagine. Plus, it is true that the world wide web shows us all the facets at the click of a button. Some of it is ugly. I try not to spend too much time on that ugly part. It does not need to be encouraged.
You made me “smile”with your “we are getting tired of smiling too hard”. Quite frankly, there are days when I am so sick of the picture on my profile that I would like to exchange it with one of DH and I making the silliest face :)
2 Jenny // Jun 29, 2006 at 6:31 am
Actually, that’s exactly what we did — when we put up our profile, we promised each other to be totally true to ourselves, and put up photos of us at our silliest. So we have a goofy picture of us jumping up in the air, etc. It feels right & is more who we are, anyhow.
I haven’t been on those boards, but I have to say — it is scary stuff, the scammers out there. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not entirely sure that we’ve had *any* real leads, even when we thought we did. People are often either scamming you emotionally or financially. I don’t know why they think that’s ok, but it is definitely out there. It totally sucks, because it makes you question everything that comes along. Even the agencies sometimes get hoodwinked. Bleah… :(
3 Away2me // Jun 29, 2006 at 9:10 am
We were scammed by an unethical agency and it makes my stomache turn! We lost over $19,000 in adoption related fees and expeses in 2005. Yah, it sucks!
Once we decided to go about things on our own, I never felt like we as a couple needed to pander to anyone. When a potential birth mom asked me a question, I didn’t try to answer it with a PC answer, I just answered it the way I would answer a best friend. Finding a birth family is a lot like dating though. It’s a dance. But once the right combination of birth family and adoptive family meet, well then it’s just magic and you can be yourself. I mean my son’s birth mom and I talked about everything. Including her odd fascination with midget porn! Who knew! I don’t think I’ll be sharing that with our newborn son anytime soon, or ever. Hee hee.
4 Sylvie // Jun 30, 2006 at 8:12 am
I felt like I was writing a personal ad when we wrote our profile! I mean you are supposed to capture who you are on a sheet of paper and add pictures… isnt that what you do in a personal ad. The whole thing felt so weird though. I felt like I was selling myself, but I just resolved it to, it was the best way to help a potential mother choose the family she felt was best. So we were very honest and laid back.
5 Erin // Jul 6, 2006 at 9:03 am
Delurking to commiserate…
I think I’ve visited the same board you’re talking about here (the Jerry Springer of the adoption forums world) and it truly is mindblowing.
Our son’s birthmom was accused quite vehemently online of being a scammer… when in fact her story of being an expectant mom trying to find decent Aparents online is absolutely nightmarish. I read through many, many posts online accusing her of ’scamming’, when in fact she was very committed to her adoption plan and never asked for anything innapropriate financially. Our adoption costs were actually solidly on the low end.
I’m not saying that adoptive parents aren’t victims of scams, and my heart goes out to those who are. However, expectant parents are frequently treated very poorly by those of us hoping to adopt, and their stories never get told, nor is public sympathy in their corner. This truly is one of the things that disgust me the most about the adoption world.
I’ve seen women ask outright to buy an expectant woman (considering adoption) ’s baby, I’ve seen women accused of scamming because they talk to more than one family or because they don’t write someone back due to disinterest… I’ve seen people accused of scamming because their name is similar to another “known scammer”. I’ve spoken online to MANY birthmoms who were promised contact that had their adoptions closed by the adoptive parents right after the papers were signed. I’ve been told by adoptive parents that their “adoption professionals” have encouraged this — telling them to promise the birthmom whatever she wants because contact is not legally enforcable.
I’ve also read hundreds of profiles online that look exactly the same– big house, vacation photos, stay at home mom, strong fiath, flawless families. Everything vague and glossed to appeal to the widest cross section of expectant parents.
I’ve also seen matched adoptive parents feel completely entitled to “their baby” from “their birthmom” (ARGH!) and be angry and threatening if that expectant mom chooses to parent.
There are two sides to adoption scamming. One side gets no exposure… and to me, this is the scary side of adoption.
Glad I found you… sorry my first comment is so intense. Good luck on your journey! I hope to follow along. xoxo Erin
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