I’m a shallow thinker…a gut-follower, and that means that I’ve thought about children, obviously. I’ve ached to experience holding my own little being in my arms, to cup her little head in my hands, to run my thumb down the soles of her tiny feet. Up until lately, all my thoughts have been centered on the tactile sensations and emotions having my own child must bring to my life.
Lately, though, I’ve thought more and more about how I want to prepare her for life better than I was prepared. Things like sharing her toys, being a good person, holding her own in conversations with new aquaintances and feeling comfortable in her own skin. I know I learned some of it, but there’s so much out there I wish I had been prepared for–I want to give her the keys to all the things it took me years to figure out…and some of which I haven’t quite gotten to even yet.
I guess it’s inevitable that I’ll feel a bit of a failure. How can I mold this child–a child with her own unique personality and drives–to be everything I’m not? Even if I can do everything I want to do…keep her away from TV and sugar, make sure to read to her every single night before bed, talk to her about mean words and show her how to be compassionate, fair and strong…what will I forget? What will I miss?
What’s worse is I’m so none of the above. Compassionate? Maybe, but not enough? Strong? Sometimes…but will it be enough? I guess I’ll have to start being a better person. I started the day before yesterday by dragging the cilantro bag out of the pile of already-checked groceries and telling the cashier to charge me for two, not one as she had done. I suppose it has to start small. Let’s hope I have the willpower to do more.